She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
