god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
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i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
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I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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