If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I supernannyed him into submission
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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