I heard we made out
I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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