The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
