My liver just broke up with me...
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
