I am in a vortex of obligation.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Randomize
