why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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