Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
