No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
