new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
