mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
