everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
he's gonorrhea incarnate
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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