i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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