I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
