I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Randomize
