I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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