He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
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