Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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