I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
