Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
