Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
