i used baking grease as lip gloss
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
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