I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
