Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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