Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
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