He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
