I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
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