god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
