Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
