Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
