I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I have aggressive nipples.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
