Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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