i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
