dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.