Apparently you make a good broom.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize