I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
