guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
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