i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Randomize
