There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
