You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
