i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
