So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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