I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
