What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
