Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Just pee around me
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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