it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
