I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
