if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
