so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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