Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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