I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
