your thong is hanging out like whoa
Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
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