Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
