Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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